Hell in the Mall
by Mookyvet
Summary: Dib must find a way to stop Satan in the mall. Poor Dib. Chapter 5: Someone tell Satan to watch his back!
1. Satan Doesn't Eat Chicken in the Mall

I was extremely bored with I started this...maybe my mind melted temporarily or something for me to have this idea thrown into the jumble of anime and Cheetos. Mmm...cheetos...  
  
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The Mall. It was the most disgusting place in the world. Where hoards of greasy, acne-infested teenagers came to congregate and buy fluffy pens and idiotic t-shirts that said things like "Can I borrow your Girlfriend?". Where old person after old person came to 'Ooh' and 'Aah' at the candy coated little children, Burt Reynolds movies, and crocheted pink doilies. Where evil mothers dragged their kids to pick out underwear and exclaim to everyone why it was so cute while wearing their most horrible Christmas sweaters...you know, the ones with Rudolph on the front...where his nose actually blinks. And for some reason, Dib found himself in the middle of this sespool of high prices and funky socks.  
  
The only reason he was there was because Gaz needed to come and get a new accessory for her gameslave...and because she said that if someone actually noticed her there in the god-aweful place, she could blame it on Dib needing to come for his special hair gel. But, while he was there, he might as well get it anyway, right?  
  
The spiky haired little boy had already paid for the product and sat in the middle of the food court, patiently waiting for his sibling to return and looking around boredly. The people were amazingly strange...especially the teenage guys making butts of themselves on the escalators. They looked as if they were trying to snowboard down the rising stairs, but the only thing they accomplished was nearly breaking their necks as they nearly plowed into a couple old ladies carrying new chia pets.  
  
But, soon, his attention was drawn away from them as a man passed him. He seemed to be the creepiest man around. The guy was dressed in an extremely tacky manner, wearing a pair of yellow parachute pants, a brown t- shirt, and a blue pair of army boots. Dib couldn't help but stare. But, the pants weren't what got his attention. It was the man's eyes. Maybe he was dreaming, but they were entirely red and seemed to glow. Amber eyes followed the person as he made his way through the crowd. And then, he stopped, sitting down with the circle of other people dressed tackily as well that surrounded one particular individual.  
  
It was another man, his long blonde hair pulled behind his head in a fashionable ponytail. His body was adorned in a simpel black tuxedo, a blood red shirt below that with a strange necklace dangling in front of one of the buttons. There was a creepy aura about this man. One that Dib couldn't ignore. So, as nonchalantly as he could, he stood, grabbed his bag, and slowly waded through the crowd toward the group. He was only a few yards away when he finally stopped and attempted to listen in.  
  
"So, what do we do now, Lord Lucifer...the people, they wait for your return. Perhaps we've been here with the mortals for too lo--" one of the people said, quickly stopped by the man's low, smooth voice.  
  
"Silence...I won't hear it. I'll return when I feel like it. Do you have a problem with that?" He asked as he quirked a brow.  
  
"N-no, m'lord..."  
  
Dib gasped softly. "S-satan? I-in the mall? What...is...I...This can't be happening!" He didn't know what to do. First, he was confronted with the strong desire to stop him...to save all of the people. But, he really didn't want to lose his soul in the process. But, perhaps the people were more important than his soul? With a gulp, the boy rushed forward and stopped directly in front of 'The Devil', his spectacled eyes widening a bit with strange fear. "Y-you're not supposed to be here."  
  
"...I'm not?" The man responded. He looked confused.  
  
"No!"  
  
"...No, I am...or, No, I'm not..."  
  
"No, you're not!"  
  
Satan arched a brow at him softly before shaking his head. "I'm only eating chicken."  
  
Chicken? Eating Chicken? That must be a joke. Satan doesn't eat chicken...especially not in the mall. Hell is better than the mall. He should be eating chicken in hell...well, if chickens existed in hell...maybe possessed chickens...or three headed chickens...or...But, that's off topic! "W-what?" Dib blinked, watching with wide eyes as the root of all evil shoved another forkful of teriyaki chicken into his mouth.  
  
"Do you mind not staring at me while I eat?" The man said after he swallowed.  
  
Now was his chance. "I won't allow you to destroy the goodness of this planet!" Dib exclaimed. He was being so straightforward today...but being straightforward was better than watching people be pulled into hell for eternity.  
  
Satan blinked and stood with a sigh. "Aw, crap, not this again. You, wrap up my leftovers and bring them along." he said, pointing to one of his followers. The man stood up quickly and did as he was told, Lucifer already heading through the mass of people towards the main part of the mall while his large procession of minions followed obediently.  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" The boy cried. And thus began his hunt for the devil.  
  
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I'll write more when my brain turns to goo-mush again...which might happen if I look in my Pre-Cal book...Eeeeeeevil thiiiing....CHEETOS!! MY MOM JUST BOUGHT SOME!! ...I hear angels...heavenly Cheeto angels...Ooh, lookit the liiight... 


	2. Little Frederick

Dib skidded to a halt as he rounded the corner, running smack dab into some short, plump old lady wearing a dress decorated with blue fish and algae. She swiftly turned and stared down at him, squinting. Perhaps she needed glasses. "E-excuse me." the boy said as he got to his feet, dusted himself off, and tried to leave. But, something stopped him. A strong, plump hand grabbed him by his shoulders and pulled him back.  
  
"There you are, Frederick! I've been looking for you everywhere!" she exclaimed in a thick southern accent. She looked kinda angry...and scary.  
  
Amber eyes blinked at the lady before him. "F-frederick? What?! No no no, my name's Dib, Ma'am. And, I really need to..." A hand swiftly smacked him on the back of the head. "OW! WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!"  
  
"Now, see here, don't you raise your voice at me, Freddy bumps, or I'll smack ya' back to Scotland."  
  
"S-scotland?! Hey! Lemme go!" he tried to wrench free, but she smacked him again. "...Would you stop that?!?!"  
  
She shook her head, hit him one last time, and started to drag him towards an Osh Kosh store. "Talkin' back to me...I swear, I'll put my foot so far up your behind, boi...c'mon, and walk right! Didn't you been taught to walk straight, boy? I didn't raise no hunchback..."her hand jerked his shoulder.  
  
Dib winced and thought about trying to get free again, but his head hurt way too much to try it. With a frown, he just walked beside the woman, glancing back and staring wide-eyed at the man from before. Satan.  
  
He was standing in front of a Bath and Body Works, holding a bottle of body spray, and grinning as he waved to him. "HOPE YOU HAVE FUN!" Lucifer called out to him. Then, after laughing evilly for a few moment, he turned and headed back into the store.  
  
"Aw...foo!" He was smacked again and lectured about using cuss words.  
  
Soon, the woman stopped beside a clothes rack. Though, sadly, she didn't let go of his shoulder. So, Dib stood there, looking at the floor nervously and desperately trying to think of a plan to get away from the blind 'whack-o'. Then, the horror began. She turned slowly, like in one of those creepy horror movies, and held a pair of dinosaur underwear out to him. "C'mon, now. Try these on fo' ya Grams."  
  
"...Oh, sweet Jesus..."he breathed, staring at them in horror.  
  
Amazingly, she turned, blinking and asking," What? Where?!". Her hand let go for a split second. And when she turned back, Dib was long gone.  
  
A few stores down, the poor guy hid behind a rack in a Hot Topic store, catching his breath and edging away from a few JTHM comic books. The guy with the knives didn't look nice...and neither did the guy looking at the books, an apprehensive look in his eyes. Suddenly, the man looked over at him and smiled almost sweetly, his thin arms moving so that his hands clasped behind his back while his slender chest seemed to proudly puff out the words," Who's yo' bunny' on the front of his long, black shirt. "Nice picture of me, isn't it?"  
  
(A/N: Woo! Nny ish sexeh, no? o_O He makes purtah cameo.)  
  
Dib stared, let out a sharp squeak, and ran like hell. Thankfully, he found himself in front of the Bath and Body Store and looked around for the devil...but, he was nowhere to be found. "He couldn't have gotten away that quick...wait...nevermind..." Then, something caught his attention from the corner of his eyes. There he was! And he was heading to a the Footlocker. "Now's my chance! I..." Satan was grinning at him sneakily, pointing behind him before he went on his way. The boy couldn't help but pause and turn, though he knew from the funny feeling that something bad was going to happen. And when a small group of sales ladies with bottles of Pineapple Passionfruit spray grabbed him and pulled him towards one of the chairs, his fears came true.  
  
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That poor Dib, being attacked by perfume sample ladies. o_O: Yay for him! 


	3. The World is Humongous!

With an almost shrill squeak, Dib continued to search for a way to get away. I mean, there just -had- to be one, right? At the moment, he couldn't exactly pinpoint a physical one, so he settled for mental instead.  
  
"H-hey! Look! Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom or...I dunno...some hot guy, I guess...!" he cried out, pointing in no real direction. Instantly, a squeal went up throughout the group of ladies and they scurried off towards the storage room. Before they could return and wreak havoc on the poor pre- teen, he dashed out of the store and through the wide halls of the shopping center. He wouldn't be tricked so easily. No siree.  
  
But, Satan was obviously a quick fellow because he didn't see the man anywhere. He pulled his glasses off for a second and cleaned them quickly on the edge of his shirt, settling them upon his face again. As if that would help. But, his shirt held no magical Satan-revealing-magic, because the man was still gone.  
  
"This...is so stupid..." he grumbled, kicking at a balled up napkin before him, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his trenchcoat. "Think, Dib, think...if I were Satan, where would I go? Hmm...Arts and Crafts mania...lots of things to BURN...Video game store, with all of it's violent games..."  
  
Curious eyes slid from store to store in a somewhat frantic manner, turning the prospects each held over in his mind. There weren't very many. So, he started forth again, boots nearly inaudible against the tiled floor while people passed. Foot Locker was passed by along with the Dollar Tree before he came to a quick halt in front of K.B. Toys, staring inside.  
  
There was Lord Lucifer, standing in front of a shelf of toys and inspecting each one. He wasn't paying much attention. So, Dib slinked inside as quietly as he could, stopping behind him.  
  
"Spin spin, Polly Pocket, Spin spin..!" sang the Emperor of Evil, snickering to himself in a childish manner as he poked at some of the little dolls.  
  
Spectacled eyes stared at the sight, brows shifting in utter confusion as he slid his hands from his pocket. "That's kinda creepy..."  
  
"Wha..?" Lucifer turned, staring for a moment before letting out a dejected sigh. "So, it's you again...Future savior of the planet, eh?"  
  
Dib blinked, shaking his head quickly and pointing to the little toys behind him. " You're changing the subject...What in the heck was THAT...?"  
  
"You saw nothing."  
  
"Actually, I think I did. 'Spin spin, Polly pocket'...what kind of evil guy are you?"  
  
"Look, can we just get on with the good-guy-versus-bad-guy banter, PLEASE?"  
  
With a shrug, the boy took a step back. "Guess so...but you've got to admit, that WAS kinda creepy..."  
  
The Devil narrowed his eyes at him, left brown twitching in annoyance as he crossed his arms against his chest. He didn't speak for a moment, though. Obviously, he was thinking something over in that crazy blonde head of his. But, whatever he was concocting was finished rather quickly. A grin spread across his lips, eyes glinting evilly. "Oh...Well, I guess I just like playing with dolls."  
  
"Yeah, but POLLY POCKET? Who plays with Po--" began Dib, suddenly pausing and staring up at the man's eyes. "...That eye thing's creepy...quit it..." Nervously, he took a step backwards, fully knowing that only bad could come from evil-glinty-eyes.  
  
"I never said I was getting that from me. I'm just curious about human toys....Speaking of 'human toys'...I've got a splendid idea, young man!"  
  
Brown eyes widened slowly as they watched Lord Lucifer's grin. He was beginning to understand where this was going. Without another word, he turned and attemped to dash out of the store. But, with a wave of the Prince of Darkness' hand, he was stopped. An odd sensation had filled him, surging into his veins and through his muscles. He yelped, body shuddering as he dropped to his knees and curled up in pain. Everyone else was too worried about Barbies and Hot Wheels to worry about the little paranoid boy whimpering in agony near the Mr. Potatoheads, though.  
  
But, it stopped soon and he was simply sitting there, staring at where the Devil had been moments earlier. Now, the man was gone and he was confused to no end. "What...was that...?"  
  
He stood and wavered a bit, losing his balance and flopping onto his stomach. He was so lightweight now and, from the looks of everything else...  
  
"GOOD GAWD, THE WORLD'S HUMONGOUS!" he shrieked, crawling backwards from the slightly-bigger-than-normal G.I. Joes beside him. Only then did he catch his reflection in the mirror. Satan had turned him into a plushie.  
  
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I got bored, so I worked on this. XD Hee. 


	4. You're Perfect!

O_O I HAVE URGE!  
  
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It took a few minutes for him to get adjusted to his new self. Mainly, his head. Being a plushie version of himself meant that parts of himself were exaggerated and if there was one part of Dib's body a toymaker would easily be able to exaggerate, it would be Dib's head. He attempted to hold it up with his little, fingerless hands, crawling over towards the shiny, Barbie mirror still in its package.  
  
"This...this can't be right..! He couldn't...He WOULDN'T..." the boy stammered to himself, easily freaking out as he stared at his pair of big, glossy brown eyes. Blinking was impossible for him and he was becoming a bit twitching with his attempts at it. His mouth was stitched on, but still moving as he talked somehow.  
  
After a few more moments, he turned around and sat down, partly to think and partly to prop his giant cranium against the plastic pink box. "Gotta think, Dib...gotta think...how do I get myself out of this? Can't be a plushie forever...just CAN'T...I mean, laundry ITSELF would be CLOSE TO MURDER..."  
  
Sadly enough, as he thought a few customers seemed to take an interest in him. A woman approached quickly, reaching down and snatching him up off the floor with a squeal of delight. "Ooh, what a cute little dolly! You'll make my daughter very, very happy!"  
  
Dib's little plushie heart nearly burst out of his chest and his head flopped back, stitched arms waving frantically. "AAAH! AAAH, LEMME GO! LET ME GO!"  
  
"Oh, and you talk, TOO?! How great! She'll love you even more!" The woman hugged him for a moment, pressing the Dib plush against her chest in the process. If he could have blushed, he most certainly would have. Then, with another happy squeal, she made her way for the check-out line. "Perfect! Allison will think you're just PERFECT!"  
  
"L-look, Miss...I'm really not as great a doll as you -think- I am. I mean...I have bad habits! I leave the toilet seat up!" Dib murmured against the woman's chest, wishing he could force his eyes closed so he wouldn't have to endure the embarrassment of staring at her breasts. "And p-please don't h-h-hold me here. I feel violated."  
  
She pulled him back and looked him over a bit. "Aaaw, and a humble dolly as well. I can't believe you said all of that. You must have a very good AI system inside of you."  
  
He thought for a moment or so, then raised his arms up straight. "I have no robotic! I am haunted! OoooOOOOoooOOoooooh!!!"  
  
She only laughed. "Ooh, how spooky! And cute! Aaaw!"  
  
A whine forced itself out of little Dib as she hugged him again, sighing. "Look, I'm TELLING you that you DON'T want to buy me, miss!"  
  
"And why is that? You're perfect! You've smart robotics, you're cute, you're squishily soft...there's nothing wrong with you!"  
  
And so, it seemed that Dib was at the end of the line. He would be taken home to little Allison and hugged into ragged oblivion. He would become a ragdoll and Satan would get away. But, he still had one more ace up his sleeve. Dib sighed, hoping that there were no physical consequences to his plan (he didn't know if his being made of cotton would change anything about pain and whatnot). Then, straightening his arms out to the sides, he began to spew the most horrid profanity ever heard. The Devil would have been proud.  
  
The woman stopped and held Dib straight out in front of herself, looking disgusted. "Oh! Disgusting little..." she shrieked, shoving him into the arms of a cashier and beginning to complain about the store having such horrid toys. The boy who'd taken him quickly set Dib to the side as he tried to reason witht he woman.  
  
As they argued, the little paranormalist doll hopped off the counter and tumbled to the floor. He attempted to get up a few times, but was still unused to the odd balance of his body.  
  
"Maybe my head really IS big...?" he mused to himself sadly. Then, once he'd gotten up, he made a beeline straight for the front doors and disappeared out into the crowd. "Gotta find him...gotta find him..."  
  
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O_O I stare at you. 


	5. Beware the Wrath of Gaz

; The urge sprang up again. o.O; I wonder if it's a viral urge...  
  
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Now, Dib had been called a little boy before, but never thought anything of it. He was pretty young, so it was expected. But, now, he was LITERALLY a little boy. Perhaps if he was just a child, he wouldn't have had that many problems. At least then, people would notice him and attempt to find his parents (that'd be pretty annoying, though, since he father most definitely wasn't there). But, to live as a plushie was a new experience. A new, terrifying one.  
  
He spent nearly ten minutes dodging feet and pulling himself to his feet again and again whenever he lost his balance and topped over onto his back. Aaaugh, my heart's gonna burst, he thought to himself pressing his back against a potted plant near a few benches and, aftering thinking over the sentence, freezing instantly. Wait...I...I can't feel my heartbeat...  
  
His plastic eyes would have twitched if they could have. I'm a plushie so...I...OH GAWD, MY HEART'S GONE!  
  
With a whimper, he slid down to the ground, sitting there and staring into the space ahead of himself. He didn't have a heart. He was dead...No...just an animated object.  
  
But, without a heart, he had no life, and without life...  
  
Within ten minutes, he'd managed to push the 'dead' thing to the back of his mind and concoct a plan. So, he gathered his thoughts and spazziness and set out to find Satan again. Now that he'd had some practice at it, schlepping around people and their horrible walking habits was a little easier. And, he managed to find a way to keep his head balanced as he ran: hold it up with his hands.  
  
He ran into a Claire's shop to search around. If Lucifer liked Polly Pocket, who knows...he might like hairbows as well. His run slowed to a faint jog. Dib was just about to commend himself when, with a squeak, he ran into the back of some poor person's legs.  
  
"Aaaugh! What's th--" the boy stammered, falling onto his back again and staring upwards.  
  
There was a tall guy there, wearing a pair of dark sunglasses. His hair was spiked up and dyed an odd shade of purple-ish red, and he was wearing quite possibly one of the coolest trench coats ever. The fact that a guy like him was in a store like that wasn't what creeped him out. It was because he was picking up Hello Kitty items and lighting them on fire, one by one.  
  
"Eh? What's this?" The man murmured, bending down and giving Dib a good once over. Immediately, he screamed and ran off, ranting about how anime fangirls had gotten to his brain child.  
  
Dib stared at the spot where he was, then managed to shake his head. "That guy's crazy...Oh well."  
  
Again, he scrambled to his feet and gave the store a thorough checking. But, Lucifer wasn't there. So, he set out to find another store. He went to Spencer's, then 5-7-9, then JC Penny. He even went to the Auto store, whose name no one ever knows. But, no Lucifer.  
  
"This is horrible...I just can't stay like this! I miss my normal body!"  
  
"And your big head." murmured someone behind him.  
  
"MY HEAD'S NOT BIG! And this ISN'T the time for poking fun! This is the time to PLAN and TAKE ACTION!" he squealed, turning around and staring up at the larger figure. Aaah, thank goodness for sisters. At the moment, she was busy sucking the blood-tinted goodness from a slushie.  
  
"What did I say about embarrassing me. Do you know how...annoying..."she began, clenching her free fist and leaning down to glare at him better,"...it is...to have already have such a disaster as a bigger brother?"  
  
"GAZ! I ALMOST FORGOT YOU WERE HEEERE!"  
  
"...and now...to have you, this...'cute'...and...'cuddly'...mass of felt..." Gaz continued, uttering the two words with great strain. "Wait a second...you forgot I was here?"  
  
"Well, you -were- gone a long time, and I've been FIGHTING TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE DEVIL! He did this to me! Just imagine what he'll do to innocent people! Oooh, but I won't let him...I WON'T LET THE WORLD DOOOOOOOOWN!!" Dib exclaimed, waving his arms in the air and falling over again. A second later, he was covered with slushie. "AAAUGH! GAAAZ!"  
  
She growled, grabbing him by his head and storming off towards the center of the mall again. "Okay...That's it. I'm not going to spend the rest of this frickin' day listening to that. YOU'RE going to shut up, and I'M going to fix this..."  
  
"But, Gaz--"  
  
"If you don't shut your trap...I'm going to pull your stitches out and toss you to a dog."  
  
"OKAY!"  
  
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; I don't think I have Gaz down very well. o.O;; I haven't seen this show in, like...eternity. And, especially not anything with Gaz in it. 


End file.
